So what makes a beer stand out from the rest I hear you ask as you look in your local bottle shop fridge, pondering which will be the lucky brand to get you smashed and for you to see hours later what the body does to it as your throwing it up.
Well to help you poor fellows out I have had a good long think about what put a beer above the rest and what beers are best for which situations.
So to make this description valid I of course have taken quite a few for the team over the last few months at Jules World Beer Club. Here I have tasted some of the finest and some of the most awful beers on the planet.
So lets start with alcohol percentage. Depending on the country the alcohol percentage will range from around 3% – 8%. So now your probably wondering what is better…? Well it all depends upon you purpose. If you would like to be able to swallow the beer without holding your nose and tilting your head so far back that the beer won’t touch the taste buds you should aim fro around the 5% types, as stuff higher than that is starting to enter the ‘tastes like shit’ bracket.
But if you only have a few bucks or are in a hurry to make a complete dick of yourself than aim for the 7+ bracket as within a few you will start thinking that the beer ‘isn’t that bad’ you may even start to make up shit to your mates how you have actually been drinking this stuff for a while now and believe its among the best on the market.
But remember if you hear yourself ‘thinking’ or ‘talking’ about that then its defiantly time to either stop drinking or drink faster so you can’t witness the downfall of all those years of respect you have earned.
Next is the taste, so what makes a beer nice… some beers are very weak so go down very smooth. Although these are great on the taste buds and throat they will leave you with the feeling you are less than a man, also open you wide up to all types of bulling from the kids on the real stuff. So it’s important to get a beer that is not weak as piss, but not as harsh as a bottle of petrol. Believe it or not this is a fine line, but just let your taste buds help you find the taste that suits your character.
Smell, although many of you at this point are wondering what the hell smell matters as it down the throat before any smell matter. Well try telling yourself that while you’re brewing your own beer from the mouth factory at around 4am.
So now it should be obvious that choosing the smell of your beer is up there with choosing the smell of your cologne, so try to find yourself a beer that you believe will hold its odor, through even the darkest of hours. BUT before you go picking the strongest odor available keep in mind the ladies and what they will think at around 1am when you talking bullshit in there ear with the breath of a corpse. So either find a nice scented beer that the ladies won’t mind or make sure you have a packet of mints handy for those crucial moments.
Packaging, now the look of the beer is almost the most important decision you will have to make. Its what you will be judged upon while your drinking it so in a way it is defining your character. So its very important not to go with some sissy colored girly looking logo. Instead look for the darker/more manly logos so that those who are looking for the weakest link at a party shall pass right by you. Also it’s important from the ladies perspective as they do not want to be seen with a guy who looks like he is drinking warm piss out of a kiddy bottle.
The color of the bottle can also come into play, depending on the occasion. So in saying that the clear bottles are great if there is going to be a lot of lighting at the party/gathering, where as the brown bottles are best kept for those darker parties where you may need to throw it at something/someone later to show you might. The green bottles are like a white shirt they can appear at most occasions but be careful not to only be associated with the greens as after a while people may start to ponder your sexuality and if your wearing that pink playboy wrist band is really because you said a chick gave it to you.
So overall take as much time choosing you beer as you would your woman for the night, think of the occasion and which of the beer family will ‘fit’ in more. Never accept the first one you see or the only one they had left as you may be remembered for it from that night on.
If you take this advice into consideration you shall win the girl of your dreams and if you don’t, you must be to ugly anyway and no beer can fix that my friend, unless of course you somehow get the mystical girl to try some…..