Its 8:38am Saturday morning, my heads is killing like someone has just driven over it four times, and cheek is aching for some reason. I’m lying on my friends lounge with a red and white teddy bear blanket on me with my hoodie over my head. At this point I’m very confused as the friend whos house I’m now at didn’t even come out the previous night.

I slowly sit up and zombie walk to the bathroom, relive myself and now proceed to wash my hands, as the water is running I look up into the mirror and realize I have a huge bite mark on the cheek that was aching. (it is clear that it’s a bite mark as you can see the teeth imprints)

Now I’m really confused, the last think I can clearly recall is drinking a tequila shot and explaining to the hot bar tender that you eat the lemon before you drink it in Mexico which is of course just some bull shit I made up to get her talking.

So I start looking for more evidence that can some how help me piece together the events of the previous evening. I realize that my left ear is purplish in parts as well.

At this point I hear a door open and its my friend wandering from his bedroom, he sees me and just cracks a huge smile. I’m guessing this smile was because either he knew what the fuck had happened or he could see the bite marks and just imagined what may have happened so rather then let him clarify which it is I ask “What the fuck happened to me?”

Friend: dude you came back here about 3:30am banging on my bedroom window yelling you knocked a chick out.

Me: huh

Friend: man I don’t know I was pretty trashed when you told me what happened; anyway you look like you have bite marks on your face.

Me: fuck….

So he had to go to work at that point so I jump in my car I left there the previous night before I went out drinking and head home, my dad sees me first I look like some homeless bum in our backyard who has just lost his last 3cents on a disabled horse race. He immediately hits me up with a “what happened to you, you look like shit”. At this point I had the drive home to recall some of what happened and it was coming back in parts.

Me: I remember a girl with glasses and my phone going dead

Dad: oh that explains it then

Me: yep

I am still so tired and in pain so I decide the best method of a quick recovery is to sleep it off, so I plug my phone in to charge and go to bed. About 4 hours later I wake up and go turn my phone on, I have 3 messages all basically along the lines of “aaaaahahahahaha you idiot, only that could happen to you”.

Now I’m really curious as to what may have happened so I call up my friend and he gives me the night in detail. I will skip to the period of the night following the tequila as before that it was just me drinking casually and talking shit.

11:40ish I decide that we would continue the night by proceeding to another night club but I needed a quick strong drink for the long 5minute journey so I get the tequila, my friend sees me talking to the bartender and excuses himself to the bathroom, he comes back and insists that he buy me another for taking so long so again we have another tequila shot and walk out.

12:00 we arrive at a gas station across the road from the club, I purchase a lighter. As to why I did this even he couldn’t explain.

12:20 I’m now on the balcony talking more shit to a bunch of just legal kids about how I could stab them if I wanted to (younger guys thrive of this aggression and will often become ‘night groupies’ due to this) so they start buying me drinks asking for more stories.

12:40 I’m really busting to go to the toilet as it has been over an hour and numerous liquids are now resting in my body. But as I’m in the middle of another completely awesome bullshit story I think fast and while I’m still talking one of the young guys lifts his leg up real quick from under the table. Because he did it so quickly everyone is quite surprised and he looks under to see me pissing and announces it to the other groupies who all think that this is just great and get me another drink.

1:20 Dancing on the dance floor when some girl in thick black rimmed glasses is looking at me very strangely.

1:23 I decide this is not right and approach her, I have no memory of what I said but my friend said it was definitely only one or two sentences before she threw her head towards mine with mouth open and latched onto my cheek. Out of natural reaction to something like this happening I give her my best Mike Tyson hello with a round house to the head that not only knocks her to the ground but her glasses fly off into the crowd.

1:24 She wasn’t alone I now have 3 maybe 4 guys punching the shit out of me and I have now hit the floor. Security rushes in to sort the shit out.

1:26 I’m now standing outside the club planning how I can ‘re enter’ the club but decide I should notify EVERYONE I have even known where I now am by scrolling through my phone index. Before I get to the D’s my phone is dead and I am stuck.

1:30 Lucky a guy who went to my school but a number of grade lower sees me not happy at my phone and offers me a lift home, I agree and direct him to my friends house, once there I realize that my car key is inside his house but his house is locked up so I bang on his bedroom window to which I later find out he wasn’t even in but his girlfriend who had only just gotten to sleep after picking him up from a drunken evening at the local bar isn’t that happy to hear from me. ‘Sway you fuckin suck!!’ She gets up opens the door and walks back without even saying good morning. I see my friend passed out on the lounge I run and jump on him to wake him up before thinking perhaps its best if I apologize for waking the girlfriend up.

1:40 I walk in to the bedroom turn the light on to which again she isn’t happy to see me and makes it very clear with a non warming tone of voice ‘FUCK OFF SWAY”

1:41 I return to the living room and pass out.

So overall I feel as though I didn’t do anything that embarrassed myself in anyway but instead I can now tick off ‘Get bitten by a chick in glasses before knocking her to the floor’ from my list of things to do before I die.

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