I haven’t mentioned this previously but from mid 2006 until late 07 I lived in Tokyo, Japan. Now I’m sure in hearing that many of you may have just envisioned the small, peaceful, always smiling people of Japan, the cute, non threatening, never violent people of Japan. Now I’m not here to argue the stereotypical image you already have, as I too shared the same perception for almost a year of living there. However that all change when two of my friends dropped by for an 11hour stopover on their way to another country. This is how it went down..
Well I knew my friends were getting in to Narita airport at 7:30pm, as I had made numerous trips there in the past I didn’t think it actually took that long from my place (the other side of Tokyo). So I thought I had left in plenty of time at 6:00pm but I was wrong. Starting from around 7:45pm I started to get calls along the lines of “where the fuck are you man? You said you would be waiting at the front of arrivals”. So thinking quickly I said “grab a drink at the bar and I’ll be there soon”, however when I hung up after the suggestion I began to realize that I was still quite some time from the Airport and that they had probably already been drinking for the duration of the 8hour flight from Australia to Japan.
Well 8:30 comes and I walking towards the escalators when I hear this loud almost scream “SWAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!” immediately I know who it is, I look up and my friends are riding down the escalators looking (and sounding) quite drunk already. I ignore this and decide this shall be a night to remember. So we book their luggage into holding and find an international cash machine for them to collect some local currency for the evening ahead.
[Now before going any further I would like to add that I had been talking to them before they left Australia about how crazy the red light district of Japan is and how you can get away with anything so they automatically said that is where we shall spend our night.]
So we are on the train to the dodgy city and immediately the results of the alcohol are becoming obvious on my uncultured friends with one of them spotting a man reading a rather ‘erotic’ comic book. So rather than simply mention it to us he decides the more appropriate approach would be to point and yell ‘he’s fucking looking at a cartoon porno’ to which everyone on the train (who probably have no idea what he said but completely understand the body language of a point) look at the man who looks at us with one of the most genuine death stares I have received.
30minutes later and we are now finally arrived in the city; we are all pretty keen to start hitting the drink hard so the partying can begin. As the only local of the group I recommend we go to the English bar as the drinks are the cheapest and it is a great place to start a night, my friends oblige.
About an hour passes along with it a number of pints of beer, which was make quite fast with my tales to the guys about Japanese Gentlemen’s clubs and the events that have taken place within them. So they are keen to experience these for themselves so I tell them ok but to try our market value first as when in Japan’s Roppongi it is very common to be hustled by club owners to come into their club. The smart visitor will walk the entire street then come back before deciding which club is offering the best deal.
So 15 minutes later we have made our discussion and are in the club. It is $20 for an hour of all the drinks you can drink as well as the company of any dancer in the club you want, with an extra bonus of a strip show every 15 minutes. So we immediately pick out a girl each and order three straight bourbons.
[Another point to mention is when in Japan spirits are cheaper then beer so the bar tenders are quite generous when it comes to pouring them]
So the host comes back with our drinks which are in a 200ml cup with about 170ml of bourbon and 1 ice cube, no coke as it seems that shit is too expensive! So we throw it down our throats like there is no tomorrow, then almost united as one we immediately call for another. Just to be an extra dick I tell him to not water it down this time. He returns with 3 more only this time it is completely full of bourbon minus the ice. We again drink it as fast as an athlete who has just finished a fucking two day marathon. The results are almost immediate on my perception of things it seems to be doing the same for my friends. I see one of the guys jump up and start pole dancing with the girl on stage. He is quickly ushered off and upon his return he gives me one of his almost patented ‘fuck yeah’ nods with a grin.
The girl I’m talking with is semi interesting, she is from a country town and has only been in the city for 4 months and works in two clubs. I tell her I’m a tourist as it’s so much more fun when you know the game but you act like you don’t know the rules. So she as pre programmed mentions she is thirsty and could she have a drink (which you end up paying for and are around $20 each). I quickly give her a ‘fuck no you can’t, your working’ response.
I then turn to my friends who have just bought their girls a drink each. I get up and tell them what the deal is and how you have to cover that charge, one friend understands and assures me no more. The other however I know didn’t have any idea what I was talking about and 35minutes later his chick has 5 empty glasses in front of her. At this point I’m completely aware that this isn’t going to end well as he only started the night with $100 cash. So I quickly think up an idea, I tell the girl to talk a walk as I need to talk to my friend; she leaves and I tell him the shit he is now in, so I give him the escape plan.
Go to the bathroom (right near the entrance of the club) then when exiting the bathroom just walk out and wait for us a bit down the road, no one will know any difference. He pulls it off and my other friend and I leave thinking we are smart. We are walking up the stairs when all of a sudden the angry bouncer runs out yelling stop and where is our fuckin friend? We act dumb and as if we never had another friend with us. This again seems to work until the idiot jumps out from behind a wall and yells ‘hey guys’. The bouncer sees him and tells him to come back in to fix up his tab. He tells the bouncer to get fucked as he already paid the dumb bitch at the front counter, even going as far to tell the bouncer he will even prove it.
At this point we all know we now need to revert to the tried and trusted RLF Plan (run like fuck) so we together start walking back down the stair towards the entrance while I countdown the steps 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, and we again united turn and get the fuck out of there in three different directions. I run for about 500metres and then glace over my shoulder to check I’m safe and then slow to a walking pace.
I’m feeling pretty pleased how things went down now but then I remember that they don’t have cell phones and I’m not sure if they even have my number on them.
I now go down the street by myself into a club called ‘gaspanic’ (those of you familiar with Japan will know that these places aren’t the classes clubs by far!) So at this point I need to think what I’m going to do, so I get a beer and grab a seat next to the dance floor on some crazy designed red chair. I’m sitting there hoping that regardless of what happens they make it to the airport in time. After five minutes of this my chair falls backwards, (I didn’t notice until I hit the ground) I open my eyes upon impact to see my friends staring down at me.
Now that we were together again everything seemed fine, we were talking with a few Japanese people, having joke fights with each other etc, this went on for about 40 minutes. Then one of my friends hears one of his favorite songs, so jumps up on the couch and starts to jump up and down. Immediately the bouncers are on to it and come over, I assure them there is no need for force, and that I will get him off. I tell him so he gets off. I think that solves that then he gives a ‘NOT’ and gets back up. The bouncers see this again but this time are accompanied by the club manager. I tell him how I promise this is the last time. He tells me that if he does it again he will be out, no more excuses. (Well he didn’t tell me in those words since he barely spoke English but the tone and veins sticking out his neck kind of gave away he didn’t think it was as funny as we did). So again I tell my friend to get down, he looks at me steps down puts his full beer to his lips until it‘s empty and throws the empty can across the room while yelling ‘FUCK EM’ and jumps back up on the lounge and now is running along it.
I now know that this is it for this place, security comes from all directions. They grab him and start to escort him off the lounge gently. He looks at the one who has his left arm and yells ‘you fuckin pitched me you cunt’ and with the force of a typhoon uses his right hand to land a punch straight into the bouncers right eye. It’s safe to say security now were not so gentle, they get him to the front balcony and throw him over the railing. Upon impact with the ground a sound similar to when you snap a large branch in half came from his right ankle.
He decides that he now needs to get them back for this so runs at the doorman, the other bouncers anticipate this response as are already on their way down the stairs. They surround him while he is hopping around and swinging for the fences. I run in to help him and land a few but then realized the other friend is gone? I look around and seem a Japanese bouncer have him in a sleeper hold that Hulk Hogan would have been impressed with and to my surprise it was actually working! He was slowing sinking, so I run across and with my best Liu Kang Dragon Kick ever, I get the guy in the side of the head which he instantly is KO’ed from.
Thinking I’m now the fucking man I turn around to go back to the pack fight when one of the bouncers who mustn’t be a Mortal Kombat fan coat hangers me and knocks me to the ground big time. Not only is it bad that I’m now on the ground wondering what the fuck just happened but I also now have him and the other two idiots thinking it necessary to start stomping on me. I yell in Japanese “OK, OK” which they take as a white flag and stop and walk away. I get to my feet and with possibly one of the top 13 sucker punches in history I get him right in the ear and run the other way.
I finally stop and realize I have blood all over my face where my lip and nose has split open, so I thought it a good time to quit, I run back in and grab my friend from the pack of wolves and carry him over my shoulder down the road a bit to where the other friend was sitting on a gutter. I evaluate his ankle which is now the size of a volleyball and realize he has no shoe on that foot, it must had flown off during flight or upon impact with the ground just like in the movies, so we all had a giggle about that before realizing that they needed to be at the airport in just over an hour.
So we started to bid our farewells, I see a stripper from a gentlemen’s club I have been to ask her to get our ‘one’ holiday picture together and off they went.
The good news is they made it to the airport in enough time and were even given propriety treatment which included a wheelchair and not having to line up in queues. So they weren’t too disappointed with that.
Oh yeah… almost forgot after they boarded the train I went back to the stripper and hung out/made out with her for the rest of that day.
Yep….
While growing up my brother and I had all the video game systems, first there was Atari which was upgraded to Nintendo, Sega Mega Drive, Nintendo 64, Playstation and lastly Playstation 2 before we grew up and decided that getting drunk and chasing chicks was both more productive and fun.
I bet after looking at the above picture some of you probably find you in fact now have a semi hard on, now if I tell you that all contestants above are also ‘
me now, Idiot of the week and although last week’s idiot set the bar pretty high this week’s idiot also brings with him something to the table.
Apparently the father originally purchased a statue which he believed was possessed by the devil so he go a budda to bury it. After this he start throwing all his shit over the balcony with the final straw being his 3 year old kid.